


The Kindred Spirit

by CosmoKid



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bellamy Blake & Raven Reyes Friendship, Bellamy Blake needs a hug, Canon Compliant, Character Study, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Minor Injuries, Pining, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 09:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17640392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmoKid/pseuds/CosmoKid
Summary: He’s twelve-years-old when the first bruise appears. He watches with wide eyes as a ring of black and blue materializes around his wrist. It doesn’t hurt as much as he expects it to; he’s not sure if it’s meant to hurt. The back of his head starts aching a few seconds later, but it barely bothers him. He leans back against the wall on his bed and smiles.He has a soulmate.





	The Kindred Spirit

**Author's Note:**

> okay so the soulmate bond works in that when one of them gets injured, the injury appears on the other.
> 
>  
> 
> its canon until season 3
> 
> the referenced non-con is ontari and murphy, it's not discussed but it's implied so i tagged it

_I_  
He’s twelve-years-old when the first bruise appears. He watches with wide eyes as a ring of black and blue materializes around his wrist. It doesn’t hurt as much as he expects it to; he’s not sure if it’s meant to hurt. The back of his head starts aching a few seconds later, but it barely bothers him. He leans back against the wall on his bed and smiles.

He has a soulmate.

 

 _II_  
Everyone on the Ark has a soulmate, or at least they’re supposed to. His Mom doesn’t ever mention having a soulmate and Bellamy never asks. He finds it hard to approach her and he knows that’s not right. He’s supposed to trust her, but there’s a bitter taste in his mouth every time she hugs him or presses a kiss to his forehead.

Octavia has a soulmate, her skin being littered with cuts and bruises every other day. She looks so excited when she gets a new one, brandishing it proudly for him to see. He smiles back at her, but his heart twists in his chest at it. He’s not sure she’ll ever meet her soulmate, he doesn’t really know what will happen to Octavia when she’s too old to fit under the floor. 

He hasn’t thought this far into the future; his Mom doesn’t seem to have either. They can’t keep this up forever. He just hopes Octavia gets to live her life for real when they get caught. He’ll be floated for it, but she doesn’t have to be.

Maybe she’ll find her soulmate and live a long and happy life, have a kid and have some friends and they’ll sit around complaining about their soulmates.

He feels bad for his soulmate sometimes. He knows his days are limited and there’s a good chance they’ll never meet. Whoever his soulmate got a shitty deal with life, they’re always injured and they’ll never get to have a life with their soulmate. 

A lot of people don’t meet their soulmates and they can live happy lives. He supposes it can’t be that bad. He can’t blame himself for his soulmate’s shitty life, he can’t blame himself for everything.

 

 _III_  
They’re on Earth. He imagines that’ll throw the soulmate thing through the wringer.

Ninety-nine of them survived the journey down. In an ideal world where everyone was sent down with their soulmate, that still leaves someone without a soulmate.

In the real world, no one and everyone seems to not care about soulmates. It’s rare in that first day for anyone to bring it up, but he sees plenty of them pairing off and scratching their arms with rocks to see if they are soulmates. From what he can tell, it only works once for some seventeen-year-olds, Trina and Pascal. He’s happy for them, he guesses.

A couple of the delinquents talk about having soulmates back on the Ark, but he doesn’t pay them any attention. He doesn’t want to think about anyone on the Ark. He knows he’s fucked when the Ark comes down after them. 

If he felt sorry for his soulmate before, he feels even worse now. He knows this whole thing is meant to give hope to everyone on the Ark. His soulmate will have that crushed when he’s executed for killing the chancellor or they'll never know him if he can sucessfully get away.

He hadn’t really thought about his soulmate in a long time. The constant array of bruises and cuts had stopped one day. It had felt like the ending of something when it happened. At first, he’d wondered if his soulmate was dead. It was the most logical solution he could think of. It’s not like someone on the Ark would actually notice that some kid was constantly getting hurt. Now, he’s not so sure.

 

 _IV_  
His soulmate isn’t dead.

He knows they’re not dead. It was only a week or so ago that bruises had appeared on his skin and the ache settled in again. It felt like he was being thrown around a room, being hit over and over again. It was clear that it was coming from someone stronger than his soulmate.

It didn’t make sense. The bruises and cuts had stopped. He thought it was over, but it was happening again. Commander Miller had always told him that there were no defensive bruises, his soulmate wasn’t fighting back. It was the same that time.

His soulmate never fought back. He tried not to think about why. 

 

 _V_  
A cut materializes on his skin the first night they’re there. The jagged nature of it tells him that his soulmate is here on Earth. He breathes in, looking out at the camp.

His soulmate is here. 

No one seems to be in any pain and no one is gripping their wrist. He doesn’t remember most of their names. There's Murphy, Mbege and Atom who are sat in a triangle playing some kind of hand-slapping game (he's not sure, they're blocked from his view by some other kids), as well as Miller who’s talking to Roma. He doesn’t know where Trina and Pascal went to and he doesn’t know anyone else’s name. 

The only other people it could be are the ones on the trip to Mount Weather with Octavia. He refuses to believe it’s any of them, especially not the Princess or Spacewalker. They’re not going to get on if they’re soulmates.

There are ninety-seven people his soulmate could be and with his luck, it would be one of the three people he doesn’t want it to be.

 

_VI_  
_It was the Ancient Greeks who first learned what soulmates were. At least that’s what the history books say._

_Surprisingly, it wasn’t Aphrodite who would be the Goddess of Soulmates, nor any of the Gods of love. It turned out to be Dionysus, the God of wine and insanity. He imagines there’s a joke to be told there, probably by middle-aged parents of teenagers._

_The story posits that when Theseus left Ariadne, her sorrow and pain was so strong that Dionysus heard it all the way from Mount Olympus. He couldn’t bear the pain that he felt on her behalf and had to help. And so they met, fell in love, and at seeing the joy that the two felt, Zeus decided to bestow that onto all mortals, and the rest of it is history._

_It sounds like bullshit to Bellamy. The rest of Greek mythology seems to discount the idea of Zeus ever being anything other than an epic dick. Still, it’s the first recorded story of soulmates that humanity has._

_That doesn’t mean it’s true, but he supposes it’s a nice story._

 

 _VII_  
There’s a lot more than ninety-seven people his soulmate could be, it turns out.

Against all odds and science, there are people on Earth. He’s not sure how the fuck these people survived a nuclear apocalypse and weren’t too damaged to actually have children, but they exist. It opens a whole new box of questions and opportunities. 

Part of him wonders if previous generations of the Ark had soulmates on the ground. It makes him wonder if they are controlled by fate completely or if soulmates are just one possibility for life. 

But he doesn’t really have time to ponder philosophical questions when they’re fighting to survive. There are ninety-eight kids on the Ground who are relying on him to keep them alive. He doesn’t have time for that kind of shit. Soulmates don’t matter when you could die any minute.

 

 _VIII_  
John Murphy is his soulmate.

Murphy is his soulmate and he just kicked a crate out from under his feet to let him hang to death. Murphy had begged him to believe him and he hadn't. Murphy who had followed him around blindly, followed his orders and actually got their wall built. Murphy who had listened to him without question. Murphy who had just seemed like a bitter kid with something to prove.

They’re soulmates. There are bruises around Bellamy’s neck and Murphy is hanging to death and he’s just frozen. He should do something, he needs to do something, but he’s just frozen. He’s just stuck watching his soulmate hang to death.

He barely even hears Charlotte when she admits to it. He can’t even think.

 

 _IX_  
Well, he could have handled that better.

 

 _X_  
He doesn’t have time to think about Murphy after that, at least that’s what he tells himself. Everything seems to get worse and worse no matter what he tries. They’ll be dead before he ever sees his soulmate again. 

His soulmate – Murphy – isn’t dead. He knows that. He doesn’t know how he knows it, but he just does. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but he refuses to believe that Murphy is dead. He can’t be. It’s not fair. 

Not to either of them.

 

 _XI_  
Murphy’s life is shit, Bellamy decides one day. It’s spurred on by burn marks materializing on his skin. 

He’s trying to talk to the Princess, have some semblance of a plan for the future. It’s not working. Both of them keep looking at his arms as more burns and cuts and bruises materialize all over them. Every single one brings a slither of pain to him.

Neither of them speaks as they watch it happen. His brain is foggy as he tries to get his thoughts in order, but he can’t take his eyes off all the marks. It hurts him. He can’t imagine how Murphy feels. It’s not that much worse than the years of pain Murphy must have gone through before this, but it still must hurt like a bitch.

Several minutes later, Griffin voices what they’re both thinking, “They’re torturing him.”

 

 _XII_  
It goes on for three days. 

Bellamy watches helplessly as more cuts and bruises and burns appear all over his body. The burns on the soles of his feet are the worst, making it hard for him to walk and he’s only experiencing it second-hand. It must be hell for Murphy.

On the second day, his fingernails begin burning. They’re red and splotchy, bruises surrounding them. Griffin says the blood vessels must have broken, but she has no answer as to how it happened. He’s not sure he even wants to know.

By the time he goes to sleep that night, he’s ready to find whoever has Murphy and give them what they want. His entire body aches and he just wants it to stop. It hurts and hurts and hurts and Bellamy can do nothing to stop it.

 

 _XIII_  
It all goes to hell when Murphy comes back to camp. He’s still so angry about Charlotte’s death and so conflicted and confused that the only thing he can bring himself to do is to threaten Murphy. 

He shouldn’t. The boy looks so vulnerable, shaking and curled in on himself. Bellamy shouldn’t be threatening him. He shouldn’t reject Murphy when he tries to help him when he’s sick. He shouldn’t threaten to kill him. Maybe if he hadn’t, it could have gone better.

But he didn’t.

He threatens to kill Murphy, Murphy kills Connor and Myles, he trades himself for Jasper, Murphy tries to hang him, flees camp and Bellamy is just lost.

There’s no time to think about that though. He pushes Murphy to the back of his mind and focusses on trying to save the kids still alive. He’s angry at Murphy for telling the Grounders all about them and camp, angry at him for killing two of their soldiers, angry at him for leaving Bellamy. The last one is irrational, he supposes.

Still, he’s so angry by the next time he sees Murphy that he nearly beats him to death for the second time. He’s stopped before he can and locked up in a room with Murphy. 

They don’t talk about it, he doesn’t know if Murphy even knows. He should tell him if he doesn’t, but he can’t bring himself to.

He’s still so angry, at Murphy, at the Grounders, at the adults from the Ark, at the world. He’s tired of the hand he was dealt at birth, angry at the shitty life he was given. It’s not fair.

His entire life was about Octavia. He never got to have a life of his own, didn’t get to have friends, didn’t get to be like everyone around him. He wouldn’t have been able to have a soulmate, even if he’d found Murphy on the Ark. It would have been too dangerous, he couldn’t risk his family’s lives. He’s always been responsible for Octavia and keeping them all alive, he never got to live his life. And even when they’re finally free of the Ark, he doesn’t get a break. They’re fighting for their lives on the ground. He feels responsible for all these kids and yet all he seems to be able to do is fuck up.

He doesn’t get good things, he shouldn’t have expected any different with his soulmate. He should have known that he and his soulmate would have a fucked-up dynamic, that they’d hate each other. He doesn’t know why he thought it would be different with Murphy. It’s never different.

He's Bellamy Blake, good things don’t happen to him.

 

 _XIV_  
Murphy saves his life. He’s the one who keeps them alive when the Grounders attack, keeps ahold of the rope. 

Bellamy can’t bring himself to voice his thanks, just giving Murphy a nod and trusting him with his gun when he goes off with Finn. He knows the warm feeling in his chest is hope, but he squashes it down and tries not to think about it.

Hope has never done anyone any good. 

He just has to keep going, interact with Murphy as little as he can and focus on saving the rest of the delinquents. Take the responsibility of that. That’s what he knows how to do.

 

_XV_  
_The study of soulmates is a discipline that is centuries old, arguably spanning all ages of man. It is a topic that fascinated the great philosophers of ancient Greece and this study, of course, continued to thrive during the Roman empire. Through every recorded era of man, there appear to be several references to the concept and figures who studied it. From da Vinci to Versalius to Darwin, it appears that even figures of science have acknowledged it, even integrating it to their theories in some cases._

_This is a trend that has continued today. Current historians have theorized that Jane Seymour was the soulmate of Henry VIII based on limited evidence whilst others have suggested that Elizabeth I was one of the few people who did not have a soulmate. Others have pointed at Achilles and Patroclus as clear evidence of soulmates, although others contest this. Those arguments tend to fall apart under inspection, but are there nonetheless._

_Historically, we have seen organizations set up in order to aid in the search for soulmates and this is still popular today. Throughout the United States alone, there are a recorded forty-three religious organizations dedicated to soulmates, eleven of them being in Iowa._ Soulplorers _functions as a modern version of soulmate-seeking organizations and is the third highest ranked app in the app store today._

_Widening our viewpoint from just Western history and culture, Egyptologists have found hieroglyphs that specifically refer to the concept of soulmates and the intricacies of the Tang Code of Ancient China referenced soulmates and how societal punishment must take this into account. Soulmates are found universally and in over ninety percent of all cultures, it is something to be celebrated. Most cultures on Earth have histories enriched by the study of soulmates._

_Whilst the study of soulmates has been around since man has been, the scientific study of it is a relatively new subject. Compared to disciplines like Physics or Biology, it is a discipline in its infancy. Heinrich Meyer is considered the Father of the subject, but as we will recount in the book, his work was halted by the Second World War. It took two decades for this research to gain momentum again._

_The basic building blocks of it as a discipline are taking what we know of soulmates, testing them in different situations and applying our results to the real world. We seek to describe the phenomenon, explain how it works and how it came about, and use this knowledge to benefit society._

_It is a discipline that interacts much with others such as Psychology, Anthropology, Sociology, Chemistry, and Human Biology, often borrowing techniques like fMRI scans._  
_This book aims to give you an understanding of what the scientific study of soulmates entails, basic theories and concepts crucial to the study, and the techniques we use in our study._  
_**Taken from** _ **Scientific Soulmates: The Basic Foundations _by_ Colin Ambridge and Sonia Lyons _, Pg. 1_**

 

 _XVI_  
Murphy leaves with Jaha. It hurts him more than it should.

It’s not like he has any time to be upset by it considering there are bigger things going on like trying to save the remaining delinquents from being harvested by the people in Mount Weather. Anyway, he knows he has no right to be hurt by Murphy leaving anyway. They weren’t even friends.

No injuries appear on his skin while they plan how to get them out, or at least none that he notices. For all he knows, Murphy could be dead. It sounded like a suicide mission when they explained it, they’re probably all dead now, died of dehydration or starvation. 

If they’re not, Murphy gets to be the one who puzzles over mysterious bruises and cuts, especially the ones from when he’s hanging upside down being harvested of his blood. He imagines that’s one quite confusing. There’s plenty of others that follow. 

It’s not an easy thing, even putting the violence aside. Having to press that button is something he regrets more than anything, other than maybe kicking that crate. There were children in there. He justifies it by the fact that they’re saving kids as well. That doesn’t mean they didn’t kill three-hundred people though. 

It crushes him. 

Clarke comes out of it worse than he does, somehow.

They’re halfway back to camp when he collapses. It’s only for a moment, but he gasps out and those around him to turn to look at him as he holds his side. It aches. 

“What is it?” Clarke asks, her hands pushing his shirt up before he fully processes her words. He watches wordlessly as it reveals a bite mark, taking up at least half of that side of his stomach. Clarke swallows, “I guess we know at least one of Jaha’s group is alive.”

“Yeah,” he mutters. Jesus, Murphy, what have you gotten yourself into this time? 

“I guess they didn’t find the City of Light, then,” Raven says, her voice tired. He wants to look at her, but he can’t tear his eyes from the mark on his stomach. “Unless they have whatever did that running around it.”

“Come on,” Clarke says, pushing his shirt back down and starting to walk again. “We can figure out what happened to them when we’re safe.”

 

 _XVII_  
Clarke doesn’t go back with them and Murphy doesn’t come back. He tries to function without them, when there’s no conflict raging. 

He finds himself taking as many guard shifts near the entrance of Arkadia as he can, just waiting to see a glimpse of either of them. It never comes. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, neither of them have a reason to come back. She needs time to heal and he’ll never feel safe among them. 

That doesn’t stop him from waiting for them. He’s not the only one waiting for Clarke to come back, every one of them is waiting for her, from Raven to Abby to Monty to Octavia to even Miller. The only person who doesn’t seem to care is Jasper, but he’s handling things even worse than Bellamy is, which he didn’t even think was possible. He never thought he’d be one to mope.

Part of Jaha’s group stumbles back into a camp a few days after they get back. They’re all dehydrated and close to death according to what he overheard Abby say to Kane. Murphy’s not among them. He doesn’t know if it’s good news or not based on their condition. They tell them about how they were ambushed, how one of them was held hostage until they gave up their guns and supplies, how Jaha was crazy. One of them describes him as a “fanatical cult leader”. It makes his heart ache for Murphy and what he’s got himself into. 

He asks one of them about it, eventually. She tells him that Murphy was still alive before they left, but tells him that he’s probably not now. It was a suicide mission, through and through. He tries not to think about how broken they’d all looked.

“Do you really think he’s coming back?” Raven asks him one day, leaning against the wall near to where he’s posted for his shift. He shrugs, feeling hopeless. “You don’t even know if he’s alive.”

“It doesn’t matter if he is, not really,” he murmurs, readjusting his grip on his gun. “He already hates me. I don’t know what I’m expecting if he did come back.”

Raven hums. “At least you’ve got a chance of something… if he is alive.”

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out before he can really think about it. He tries not to think about Finn, not wanting to think of all the ways he could have stopped it.

“What happened wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault but Finn’s. Anyway, I’d lost him before that. It sucks when your soulmate falls in love with someone else.”

He sighs. “We’re really something, aren’t we?”

“Two absolute disasters when it comes to soulmates,” Raven says and snorts. “Mines dead and you two hate each other.”

“I don’t hate him, or at least I don’t think I do,” he admits quietly, not looking at her when he says it.

“Bellamy, he literally tried to hang you,” she points out, but she sounds unsure.

“Technically I hung him first,” he says which elicits a bitter laugh from her. “It feels hypocritical to hate him at this point. We’ve all done bad things. I’m partly responsible for Jasper being depressed and I killed so many guards in Mount Weather without even thinking about it. I’d say we’re even in how many people we’ve killed... And anyway, unless Murphy has killed an entire civilization since I last saw him, I’ve got more blood on my hands than he does.”

“Well,” Raven starts and he side-eyes her. “You never know what him and Jaha have been up to.”

“Yeah, sure, that’s what they’ve been up to. Leveling civilizations left and right with all those guns that were stolen from them,” he drawls, letting out a small laugh.

“Do you really think they’re still alive?” she asks and he sighs, shrugging. He has no idea. “Promise me, Bell, if he ever comes back, you’ll try to make something out of it. You have a chance for something, don’t mess it up. Even if not for yourself, for me.”

He swallows. “Yeah, I will... I promise.”

“But if he doesn’t, don’t waste your life waiting for him. You’ve got a chance to live your life, don’t waste it.”

 

 _XVIII_  
Murphy doesn’t come back. Jaha does, but there’s no Murphy. 

He wants to ask Jaha where Murphy is, ask if he’s even alive, but there’s something completely off with him. It’s creepy and he just doesn’t trust Jaha. He never trusted him before, let alone now. And anyway, he’s trying to move on from something he never really had.

He and Gina haven’t been dating for long, but he likes her. She’s quick-witted with a sharp tongue and she calls him out on his bullshit. She and Raven get on, maybe a little bit better than him and Gina, but they’re trying.

There’s not much good in the world and maybe he and Gina can be part of that.

 

 _XIX_  
His life fucking sucks. 

 

 _XX_  
Murphy’s being tortured again. 

He’s trying to ignore it, trying to throw himself into following orders and doing what Pike says to keep Arkadia safe, but it distracts him. People throw him weird looks when he randomly hisses in pain, others look concerned and a few ask if his soulmate is okay.

As if he knows. He never knows anything when it comes to Murphy. He knows he’s alive, that’s the most he’s known in a few months. For a while, he’d started believing that whatever bit him had killed him. It felt like another apocalypse would need to be big enough to kill Murphy, but he’d guessed that a big-jawed monster thing was enough. 

It hurts him that he can’t do anything. He has no idea where Murphy is or who’s torturing him. Short of carving the words _where are you_ into his arm, there’s nothing he can do. And if Murphy is being tortured, he probably can’t reply. He’s probably bound in some way and if he’s not, his captor won’t leave him with a weapon. 

He’s not even sure Murphy would reply if he could.

The torture seems lesser this time. Or maybe he’s just so used to watching Murphy get hurt that it barely phases him anymore. 

Or maybe he’s just so desensitized to everything that nothing phases him anymore.

 

 _XXI_  
A few days later, he learns that yep, things can definitely still phase him. 

They’re on their way to Polis when he feels his airway tighten. He tenses. He thought the torture was over. Kane notices, but Bellamy just shakes his head, silently telling him to keep going. He doesn’t deserve his concern, not after what he’s done.

The next bruises appear on his arms, around the same spot on each. They’re handprints. He blinks, staring at them as they walk. He can barely see them in the dark night, but he feels them all. It doesn’t take long after that for rings of bruises to appear on his wrists, followed by aches in his thighs. He blinks, trying to figure out what’s happening with Murphy.

He doesn’t even want to consider the first thing that comes into his head. He’s sure it’s just some weird torture thing. It can’t be _that_ , it can’t be. That can’t be happening to Murphy.

It can’t.

 

 _XXII_  
He finds out where Murphy is too late for him to be able to do anything They have more important things to do than run off to Polis to save Bellamy’s soulmate. The world’s ending, their soulmate bond is insignificant.

All he can do is pray to whatever fucked up god exists that Murphy’ll be okay. He made a promise to Raven, one he wants to keep.

 

 _XXIII_  
Murphy saves his life again, just appears out of the darkness like an angel of death. At first, he thinks he’s hallucinating it and when he sees Indra and Pike by his sides, he’s sure he’s hallucinating it because what the actual fuck? 

But he’s not hallucinating. Murphy did just show up and save his life, somehow having teamed up with Indra and Pike of all people. He doesn’t get a second to take it all in because Clarke is in trouble and the world is basically ending around them and somehow, they’re the world’s last chance. A ragtag group of people who don’t really want to be there and don’t want to work with each other having to work together to stop whatever the fuck A.L.I.E is trying to do.

He’s surprised when Murphy agrees to help save the world alongside them. He’s certainly not got any incentive to help but does so anyway. He’s as sarcastic as ever and as endearing as ever, but something is different about him. 

When it’s just the two of them in the elevator, the words spill out of his mouth without even realizing it, “The plan will work. Why are you here?”

He meant for it to just be a weak retort just to shut Murphy up for a few seconds. They both know Murphy’s right. The chance of them getting this right is much slimmer than the chance of them both just being shot the second the elevator doors open.

“I’m just trying to survive,” Murphy bites out. Bellamy takes him in for a few seconds. He’s never really paid attention to how pretty Murphy actually is, even covered in blood and dirt. “You’re not the only one here trying to save someone you care about.”

“Right,” he says distantly. He has so many questions, so much he wants to stay, but the words are stuck in his throat. Part of him just wants to wrap his arms around the younger boy and never let go. 

Murphy would probably shock him with the baton if he tried that, and he’d entirely be in his rights to do so.

There are few seconds of silence before they hear gunfire. Murphy’s eyebrows raise, “Well, that’s not good.”

The next few minutes are utter chaos and he’s barely able to process everything that’s happening. The only thing going through his mind is that he needs to protect Murphy and that he can’t lose him now, even if he’s never really had him. He doesn’t even think when he shoots the guard, breaking his own rule. He can’t lose Murphy, he _can’t._

“Thanks,” Murphy breathes out and Bellamy nods, scared he’ll start crying if he opens his mouth.

They get into the room with Clarke without any more difficulty, but that doesn’t make it any easier. He tries not to think about why Murphy’s first reaction is to cut Abby loose, tries not to blame himself for it right now. They really don’t have the time for that. 

He barely processes what happens next, just goes through the motions of what he has to do. He doesn’t ask why Murphy seems to be cautious around Ontari, why he looks at her like he expects her to jump up even though she’s braindead. He doesn’t ask how Murphy knows how to do an ascension ceremony. He just watches numbly.

There’s a fight, he can do that. It kills him to not have Murphy in his sight at all times, but he has to. The world’s ending. He has to fight alongside the man who twisted him into the monster he became and he hates that too. He hates it all.

Ironically, it’s Kane who nearly kills him. The man who had tried to be a Father figure to Bellamy and the man he’d failed. He supposes it’s poetic, as he fights for breath. If he dies like this, killed by the man he failed in the way that nearly killed his soulmate.

When it’s all over, he watches Murphy embrace a Grounder girl. He sees the way they look at each other like the other hung the moon.

He’s not even upset at it, he’s just tired.

 

 _XXIV_  
Sometimes he wonders if he’s meant for good, if he was ever destined to have good things and to do good things or if he was just meant for bad. 

He couldn’t take care of Octavia, he got their Mother killed, he couldn’t protect the ninety-eight kids he promised to protect, he’s nearly killed his soulmate on several occasions, he killed hundreds of innocent people trying to do the right thing, he’s the reason his sister’s soulmate is dead and now when they’re finally at peace, he’s restless and anxious and stressed. 

Octavia was better off without him and Murphy is clearly better off without him. He’s settling into camp, making jokes and _smiling_. He shares a room with the girl – Emori, he learns – and he becomes a useful member of Arkadia’s society. He’s doing well and yet there’s a selfish part of Bellamy that wants Murphy for his own. 

He doesn’t deserve Murphy, not after everything he’s done.

Maybe he was just meant for the dirt. 

 

 _XXV_  
Part of him knows he shouldn’t avoid Murphy when he gets back to Arkadia, but he tells that part of him to shut the fuck up and does it anyway. He can’t deal with that hurt on top of everything else.

Octavia’s gone, off being an ambassador or something, he’s not sure. She needs time and he knows Indra won’t let any harm come to her, but he still misses her with everything in him. They’re past the part in their lives where Bellamy was basically responsible for her, but he knows he’ll never really get past that part of him. Octavia will always be his little sister and he’ll always want to protect her.

He’ll always need her, even if she doesn’t need him anymore. And she’s gone and it hurts. 

In every conversation, he turns to make a joke with Octavia, an inside joke just for the two of them, but she’s not there. She’s gone. It’s partly his fault and he can’t pretend it’s not. He just hopes she’ll be able to forgive him one day.

It’s all too much. He’s trying to live with what he’s done and everyone he hurt and there’s just so much. It was all simpler when he was just an older brother trying to hide his secret sister from the Ark. 

People in Arkadia lost their loved ones in Polis, he might have killed some of them. He can’t take that away. And yet they treat him like a savior and that’s even worse than being hated.

There’s so much going on and he can barely deal with everyday life. Seeing Murphy happy with Emori is too much for him. If he can ease his pain just a little, he’ll do it. It’s all he can do.

 

 _XXVI_  
Raven starts a weekly “Shitty-Soulmate-Situation” meeting that’s just her, him and Clarke getting drunk off Monty’s moonshine and complaining about their lives. It becomes the highlight of his life. 

Now that it’s all over and they’re in a moment of relative peace, they can all finally process everything that’s happened. For the first time in a long time, they’ve said the adults can deal with everything else. From what he can tell, Indra and Roan have taken joint control of whatever’s happening with the Grounders and that they’ve agreed no more fighting.

He couldn’t give a single fuck if he tried. He’s content to take his guard shifts, ignore the weird admiration some of the people in Arkadia have for him and get pissed out of his tree with Raven and Clarke. 

It’s a lonely life full of mourning for something he never had, but it’s enough.

 

 _XXVII_  
“Do you think Jasper will ever forgive us?” Monty asks him out of the blue one day. Bellamy swallows his rabbit stew and lets his spoon clatter in the empty bowl. They’re part of the few who have late lunches on a Tuesday. 

He doesn’t know if it’s actually a Tuesday, but Kane and Abby have decided it is.

“Have you forgiven yourself?” he asks Monty in lieu of answering his question. They both know the answer is no, at least not for a long time. 

“Have you?” Monty retorts, staring down at his own bowl of soup. “We did some bad things, Bell. How are we meant to live with ourselves now?”

“I don’t know,” he says and shrugs. “Stick together, I guess. We have each other for a reason.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Monty mutters, sounding like he believed zero words that Bellamy said other than _I don’t know_.

“Dude, I know the stew sucks, but there’s no reason to be that sad about it,” Miller says, suddenly dropping onto the seat next to Monty. “Seriously, it tastes like ass, not children’s tears.”

He snorts, rolling his eyes. “You’re the one on the hunting team, Miller. Can’t you get us something better to eat?”

“You get me a team who can actually hunt and I’ll see what I can do for you,” Miller retorts, raising his eyebrows at Bellamy. “You’d think these people would know to be quiet when you’re trying to hunt, but apparently not. I don’t know why you don’t come with us, Bell.”

“Have you tried telling them to be quiet?” he asks, instead of answering. They all know why he doesn’t want to, it’s easier to ignore what he did when he doesn’t have to see the valley where he helped slaughter three-hundred people. 

“Oh, wow that’s such a good idea, Bellamy. I can’t believe I never thought of that. Wow, telling them to be quiet. You’re a genius!”

He rolls his eyes but doesn’t rise to the bait.

“Have you tried telling Kane about it?” Monty asks in what Bellamy knows is a flaccid attempt at defusing tension. They’re not really angry at each other, just tired and stressed.

“Nope and I don't plan to,” Miller says, tapping his fingers on the table. “He barely agreed to let us go out hunting. He reckons we can survive only on what we can grow within Arkadia. Something about trying to maintain peace with the Grounders.”

“I guess humans don’t need protein after all,” Monty says, rolling his eyes. “Does Kane know about the whole balanced diet thing they shoved down our throat on the Ark?”

“I’m not sure Kane knows anything anymore,” Miller admits and sighs.

Bellamy slumps in his seat. “Do any of us?”

 

 _XXVIII_  
Murphy is working in the med bay. He finds out after he gets punched in the face, trying to break up a fight between two kids from Farm Station he doesn’t bother remembering the names of. He just lets one of the other guards take them to see Kane for retribution or whatever and takes himself to med bay to have it checked out.

“Woah, what did you do to your face?” Murphy asks him when he walks through the door, neither of them acknowledging that there’s an identical bruise on Murphy’s face.

“Some kid from Farm Station punched me,” he says, yelling at himself for being so short with Murphy. He doesn’t deserve it. 

Murphy’s eyebrows raise as he moves to inspect Bellamy’s face. Neither of them acknowledges the tingle of electricity when their skin touch. “Tell me the other guy looks worse, at least.”

“Not really, but her girlfriend does,” he offers weakly. It’s not an outright lie, the two kids might have been dating.

Really, he just has no idea what he says to Murphy. And clearly, Murphy has no idea what to say to him considering neither of them speaks until Murphy hands him an ice pack and says, “You’re free to go, Blake. The pain should subside within the hour, if it doesn’t, come back and I’ll get Abby to look you over.”

“Thanks,” he says and they both get the sense that it’s for a lot more than the ice pack.

 

 _XXIX_  
The headache subsides within the hour like Murphy said it would.

Part of him wishes it didn’t so he’d have an excuse to see Murphy, but a bigger part of him knows it’s not fair to him or to Murphy. He just has to carry on with his life and pretend that everything is fine. 

He can do that, he’s been doing that his entire life.

 

_XXX_  
_Whilst most ideas of Doreen Tividale have now been discarded as being outlandish and factually incorrect, her several essays on how soulmates were the work of the stars have recently been rediscovered by researchers._

_Although it is clear that her writing is entirely metaphorical and often nonsensical, a recent paper published by Dominic Woodhouse and Jada Elba has suggested that there may be scientific founding for this, citing Tividale as a reference in their paper._

_The paper is mostly theoretical and explorative but posits that soulmates may be explained by the spatial dimensions of atoms in the early years of the universe. Although there is no clear way to test this hypothesis, it is an exciting theory that can be explored by future researchers._  
_Taken from_ The Guardian, 07/12/2014, by Jay Ardenson.

 

 _XXXI_  
“So you’re the soulmate,” Emori says, sliding into the seat opposite him in the mess hall. They’ve never spoken before and he was okay with that. He's not sure why she's approaching him now.

What he wants to say is _and you’re the girlfriend_ , but instead, he nods, trying to control his face. He has no right to be jealous of her, she makes Murphy _happy_. It’s more than he’s ever done.

“You ever planning on having an actual conversation with John again?” she asks him, crossing her arms and leaning forward on the table. He blinks, not expecting that question or for her to refer to Murphy as John.

He’s speechless for a few moments and she just stares at him with an intense gaze. He squirms for a while before he just shrugs, “I wasn’t sure if he hated me or not.”

“He wouldn’t have saved your life if he hated you,” Emori says simply, and just from that, he can tell that she knows Murphy better than he ever did. “He thinks you hate him, though.”

“I don’t,” he blurts out and she just rolls her eyes.

“You should tell him that, and actually talk to him,” she tells him and he nods dumbly. “The two of you have a lot to work out.”

She leaves after saying that and he just stares at the spot where she was sitting, completely lost and confused.

 

 _XXXII_  
He wants to believe Emori. He really does.

It just doesn’t make sense. He’s nearly killed Murphy several times now and he was never really nice to him. He has all right to hate him. Why doesn’t he hate him?

Hating Bellamy makes more sense than anything else. 

The most he’s done in the last few weeks is glance at Murphy when he has to go the med bay. It’s always Abby or Jackson or some other medical person who looks him over not Murphy. He knows it’s awkward between them, but he, he doesn’t even know.

He doesn’t know anything anymore.

 

 _XXIII_  
“The universe kind of fucking sucks, doesn’t it?” Raven asks, slamming her glass on the small table in Clarke’s quarters. 

“Here, here,” Clarke calls out from her spot on her bed and he nods along with them, his mind hazy from the moonshine. There’s no way he’ll be able to find his way to his room later today, but that’s fine, he’ll just crash in Clarke’s room.

“You know, there are so many people in this fucking place who tell me my soulmate must be so lucky and ask how excited I am to meet them,” Raven says, leaning back in her chair and sighing. “Clearly, Finn didn’t think that.”

“I’m sorry,” Clarke says and giggles. “At least you hadn’t literally just had sex with Finn for the first time a couple of hours before he died.”

“At least Lexa didn’t massacre an entire village and then try to act like nothing had changed after,” Raven points out and he just snorts and takes a swig out of his glass. Their lives are fucked.

“That’s fair,” Clarke says, rearranging herself on the bed so she’s lying on her front and watching her. “Who’d have thunk that by the end of it all, Bellamy would have ended up with the most peaceful soulmate when his soulmate is John fucking Murphy?”

“Murphy’s still got time to catch up,” he mutters, tapping his foot on the ground. “Finn’s body count by the end was like, what? Twenty? Twenty-one? Murphy could catch up easily.”

“I don’t know, he seems pretty peaceful these days, most of his various bruises coming from you more than anything,” Raven says, pointing her finger at him with less control of her limbs than she does normally.

“Yeah, well, he’s not spending his day breaking up stupid fights between stupid teenagers,” he says, placing his glass on the table and sighing. 

“What does he do these days? I haven’t seen him around other than for lunch,” Raven says, frowning. 

“He works in med bay, Mom says he’s a natural,” Clarke says before he can reply. “I think she thinks she can like rectify something with him, Mother him now to apologize for never asking about the bruises when he came in as a kid.”

“She’s doing the same for me,” Raven says, slumping in her chair. “I don’t really mind, to be honest. Most kids on the Ark were malnourished one way or another, why ask about just one?”

“Kane’s doing the same for me, probably apologizing for killing my Mom,” he offers weakly. “Jokes on him, I ignored him, killed three-hundred people and then he nearly choked me to death.”

“God, you’re a fucking mess, Bellamy,” Clarke says, bursting into random laughter. He shrugs.

“We’re all fucking messes, Griffin. It’s part of our charm,” Raven points out and picks up her glass and downs the rest of it in one.

“What charm? The only reason anyone tolerates us is because we saved their lives or whatever,” he says, leaning back in his chair. The chair is uncomfortable and shitty. Most things are nowadays.

“That’s fair,” Raven says, nudging him with her bony elbow. “Who would willingly approach us, really?”

“Murphy’s girlfriend,” he says, letting out a bitter laugh at it. He gets two overdramatic gasps from the girls. “She came and sat with me at lunch, told me Murphy doesn’t hate me, asked me if I hated Murphy and then told me I should talk to him more. I’m not sure what she wants me to do. She’s dating my soulmate and is clearly doing a much better job at it than I ever would. It’d be easier if I just left their lives entirely.”

“Well, that’s depressing,” Raven remarks, slamming her glass down on the table for the second time in maybe five minutes. “Do you think Mount Weather has any of that chocolate cake Miller was talking about left over? I think we should introduce that to our weekly meetings.”

“Yes,” Clarke says, pushing up to kneel on the bed. “We should go on a secret mission for cake, do something fun for once.”

 

 _XXXIV_  
They don’t go on a secret mission for cake because that’s a little stupid and really, none of them want to leave the safety of Arkadia. It’s the first time in a long time that any of them have felt safe and there’s no reason to take themselves out of that, even if they might get chocolate cake out of it, whatever that is. He’s sure it’s nice, but he can’t miss what he’s never had.

Well, that’s not true. He misses Murphy more than anything, but he never actually got to be with him. The most he got with Murphy were the few moments where they weren’t trying to kill each other.

He still doesn’t go and talk to Murphy. He doesn’t know what he’d even say to him. 

Is there anything left to say at this point?

 

 _XXXV_  
“Kane wants me to make a solar-powered vacuum cleaner,” Monty announces as he slides into the seat opposite him at the table. Bellamy looks up from his mostly empty plate with raised eyebrows. “I think he’s genuinely gone insane at this point. Not only would it have to be completely convoluted for a _solar-powered_ vacuum to work inside, I’m not an engineer or a mechanic and have no idea how to do that even if I wanted to, which I don’t.”

“Ask Raven to help you?” he suggests and shrugs. As much as he dislikes spending his days breaking up fights and just watching the woods, he’d rather do that than deal with the ridiculous requests and suggestions his friends are getting. 

“Kane’s got her and some of the others working on irrigation. They reckon there’ll be working bathrooms within the next three months,” Monty says and Bellamy nods.

“You could switch to that, get out of the vacuum cleaner making,” he says, tearing the last bit of bread in half and eating half of it. It’s as tasteless as always.

“Yeah, maybe,” Monty says, wrinkling his nose up at the selection of vegetables and meat on his plate. It’s a larger proportion than normal which makes it slightly better, but it’s still not appetizing. “I’d rather just be on farm duty again. I don’t know why Kane pulled me off it in the first place.”

He shrugs again. “You’ve shown yourself to be useful. I’m sure Kane would pull me off guard shift for something more important if he wasn’t worried I’ll go murder three-hundred people again.”

Monty squirms in his seat a little. He has no idea why; it’s the truth. “Wasn’t he instrumental in culling three-hundred people like half a year ago?”

“Why is it always three-hundred people? I swear that’s the third time it’s happened.”

“Maybe it’s a lucky number, I don’t know. Finn only killed eighteen people.”

He swallows and shakes his head, trying to push the memories of that day out of his head. “You know, you could always fuck up your vacuum cleaner so bad that Kane gives up on you and just assigns you back to the farm. Harper’s still on farm duty, isn’t she?”

Monty coughs, trying to hide his blushing cheeks with his hand. The revelation that Harper and Monty were soulmates had been a quieter one than most soulmate revelations, but it’d make a boring day that bit happier. They were definitely more on the functional side of soulmates even if they were a bit awkward around each other still. It was clear that neither of them was expecting to be soulmates and are now dealing with that. 

“Kane wouldn’t let us work together anyway, he thinks it’s inappropriate,” Monty tells him, making speech mark gestures around _inappropriate_.

“What? Does he think you’re going to hide out in the corn stalks for a quickie?”

“Probably. We’re _hormonal teenagers_ , remember? Can’t predict what we’re going to do so better just separate us anyway.”

“That’s complete bullshit. If we were that obsessed with sex, how would we have survived that long on the Ground without them?”

Monty shrugs. “I’m surprised he even lets Murphy look you over when you get into a fight.”

He narrows his gaze at Monty, processing the words carefully. “He’s only looked me over once. Jackson and Abby have always done it. You think it’s because of that?”

“Could be,” Monty tells him, shrugging again. “Me and Harper weren’t even allowed to be on the same side of the farm before I was reassigned.”

He’d thought that it was because Murphy was avoiding him, just asking Jackson or Abby to do it instead. Emori had told him that Murphy didn’t hate him, but it’d been hard to believe it. 

God, he wishes he had a soulmate situation as easy as Monty and Harper’s.

 

 _XXXVI_  
He still doesn’t talk to Murphy. 

He should. 

He doesn’t.

 

 _XXXVII_  
“Miller keeps asking me to go hunting with him,” Clarke tells him one day instead of greeting him like a normal person. He nods, leaning against the wall. He’s not sure if he prefers being on shift near the gate or in the midst of camp. “His group must be super bad if they’re asking me.”

“Clarke, you survived three months by yourself in the woods,” he points out and she just rolls her eyes as if it’s not a good point. “Plus, didn’t you fight some carnivorous gorilla thing with Lexa?”

“Defending myself against a carnivorous gorilla isn’t the same as hunting though.”

He shrugs. “It’s similar enough. Most of the hunting party have no idea how to hunt, Miller spends more time complaining about them than he does actually hunting.”

“You know how to,” Clarke murmurs and he sighs.

“What are you suggesting?”

“You should go hunting with him,” she tells him and he rolls his eyes and huffs. “Come on Bell. Guard duty is driving you insane, you don’t like being caged in. Plus _everyone_ in camp wants something better to eat than rabbits.”

“I’d rather be caged in than go out into those woods ever again,” he tells her, hating how the words feel on his tongue.

“If you say so,” Clarke says in a quiet voice. “It’s just a suggestion.”

 

 _XXXVIII_  
He ends up on a hunting party because of course he does. Clarke seems to be right more times than not and this is just another case of that. 

It’s not as bad as he thought it would be, he doesn’t hate it at all. He wants to hate it. It would be easier if he hated it so he could just swap back to guard duty and pretend that’s nothing changed. Hiding out inside Arkadia and spending his days bored out of his mind being a guard is easier than going outside and remembering all the things he’s done. He gets why Clarke had to leave now. 

Who he is and who he wants to be are two very different people and the world outside Arkadia is a constant reminder of that. Looking at the valley where he’d helped to slaughter three-hundred people is like an eternal torture he can’t escape it. And he knows he deserves it.

But now, he doesn’t know who he is. He’s not the boy blindly following Pike into a non-existent war, but he’s also not the boy who risked his life to save his people in the Mountain. He’s certainly not the boy who took charge of ninety-seven kids and fucked it up every other second. He doesn’t know who he is.

But in Arkadia, he can pretend that he’s the kid trying to keep his sister alive. That’s the last time he really knew who he was because back then, he wasn’t really a person, he was just half a person trying to keep an impossible secret.

 

 _XXXIX_  
One of the guys in their hunting party _accidentally throws a spear_ in their direction. He barely has time to think before he’s pushing Miller out of the way of it. When it grazes his arm, he knows he got lucky even though part of him wishes he hadn’t been so he’d have an excuse to go to the med bay.

He needs to talk to Murphy even though he has no idea what to say.

“Thanks,” Miller says, his eyebrows pretty far up his head. Bellamy shrugs, putting one hand over his arm. “Bryan would kill me if I got injured while hunting. He already gets stressed when I scratch my arm on a door or something like that.”

“I’m surprised he doesn’t get injured more, himself,” he says, not really sure what to say. He’s jealous of Miller and Bryan, no matter how much he likes to pretend he’s not. “He’s still on guard duty, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, but he’s been put on duty with the irrigation people,” Miller tells him and Bellamy nods. Before Clarke convinced him to swap to hunting, he was considering asking to swap to that so he could be bored out of his mind with Raven there. “Apparently it’s even more boring than when Kane had him guarding the farmers. He said something about how watching food grow is a tiny bit more interesting than watching people dig holes.”

“He could always join in with the digging,” he suggests.

“I’m sure he would if whoever’s in charge with the group would let him. They take guarding very seriously, apparently.”

“That sucks,” he says, taking his hand away from his arm to see if the blood flow has stopped. There wasn’t much of it, to begin with, only lightly staining the palm of his hand. “He could swap to hunting?”

“He tried, Kane told him no,” Miller informs him with a frown on his face. “Said something about being too important, but everyone knows that it’s because of the soulmate thing.”

“Does he genuinely think you and Bryan would want to fuck in the woods?” he asks incredulously. Kane’s motives get more and more confusing by the second.

“I don’t know what he thinks, man,” Miller says and shrugs. “We should get going again if we want to get enough food to feed camp.”

 

 _XL_  
Several people thank him at dinner for the next few days. He just nods awkwardly. 

He gets it, he really does. Having deer to eat instead of another batch of rabbit stew is great, but he really doesn’t expect thanks for it. And anyway, he wasn’t the only person in the hunting party. No one thanks Miller even though he was the one who spotted the deer.

Even Emori thanks him even though they both know she’s really reminding him that he should talk to Murphy. He still doesn’t. He should.

But he doesn’t.

 

 _XLI_  
“Do you think Finn would have liked deer burgers?” Raven asks him a few days later as they sit in her room with their stolen burgers. They’re not meant to take food out of the mess hall and they’re not meant to take seconds. 

He thinks hell to the rules, whatever the hell they want or whatever.

“Depends if he’s had weeks of rabbit stew before it,” he tells her, taking a bite out of his. It’s not really a burger, but Jasper nicknamed it that as a joke and it stuck. He’s just happy Jasper’s joking again.

“Promise me, Bell, promise me we won’t live off rabbit stew again, please, Bell.”

He snorts. “I’ll try.” 

“Don’t try, do.”

“I’d love to make that promise, but the deer was a complete fluke,” he tells her and Raven just pouts. He rolls his eyes. “Raven, one of the guys accidentally threw a spear at Miller. We’re hopeless.”

Raven bursts into laughter, her hand tightening around the burger. “How do you _accidentally_ throw a spear?”

“He was trying to prove that he had the best spear throwing technique,” he deadpans. 

That just makes her laugh even more, her body shaking with the laughter. “Oh, that is the best thing I have heard all day, oh my god, Bellamy.”

“I had to write that in my injury report to Kane. It sounds like I’m lying,” he says, knowing he’ll get a follow up at some point. “Cause of injury, some dumbass you assigned to hunting duty tried to show off his spear throwing technique and accidentally threw a spear at us. Tell me that doesn’t sound like an excuse.”

“You should take one our guards with you to protect you against accidental spears,” she says once she’s finished laughing at it. “It’s not like they do anything other than stand around looking pretty.”

“Don’t let Miller hear you say that, he might think you’re trying to steal his boyfriend,” he says with a wry grin on his face.

“He’s got nothing to worry about, I’ve had enough brunette boys with floppy hair in my life,” she says and finally takes a bite out of her burger. He’s surprised it’s not gone cold already. “Between you and Finn, I’ve had my fair share of them.”

“Tell me I was the highlight of it, at least.”

“Well,” she starts and smirks. He rolls his eyes and huffs. “You were, honestly. I know Finn was meant to be my soulmate and all, but the guy was hopeless in the bedroom. It got to the point where I could recite test answers in the middle of it.”

He can’t help the bark of laughter that escapes his mouth at that. “Wow, Reyes, you really did get the short end of the stick when it comes to soulmates.”

“Go float yourself, Blake,” she bites out, flipping him off, but there’s a smile tugging on her lips. “At least I never tried to kill my soulmate.”

“We’ve already established that I’m a complete idiot,” he says and it sounds like he’s whining. He’s probably whining.

“A complete and utter idiot,” she says, reaching across to pat his arm. He huffs again. “You ever planning on talking to Murphy again or are you still avoiding him?”

He shrugs. “To be completely honest, Raven, I have zero clue what I’m doing at any point. I’m just going from fuck-up to fuck-up. Maybe I’ll talk to Murphy, maybe I won’t, either way, I’m fucking up in some way.”

“Cheers to that!”

 

 _XLII_  
He fucks up. 

He fucks up in a big way. Granted, it’s not entirely his fault. Really, there are a half dozen other people he could blame for the fuck up, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a spear lodged into his side. 

It would have been great if Kane had taken that guy off hunting duty after the first time he accidentally threw a spear. He should have known it would happen a second time because of course it would. Why wouldn’t it? And why wouldn’t said spear not impale his side? And why wouldn’t he feel like he’s bleeding out? 

At least he doesn’t have to walk all the way back to camp with a spear lodged in his side, although that’s more because he takes three steps in the direction they need to go and promptly collapses onto the ground.

 

 _XLIII_  
“You’re an inconsiderate asshole, you know that?” is what he wakes up to. He blinks, the world coming into focus. Before he can push himself up to a straighter sitting position, the same person says, “Don’t sit up, you are not tearing the stitches I spent an hour on.”

“Murphy?” he asks in a croaky voice. He looks to his left where Murphy is sat by his bedside, looking like he hasn’t slept in days. “What happened?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” Murphy retorts followed by a bitter laugh. He shrugs, trying to look apologetic. He’s never seen the other boy look so stressed. “Shit, you really scared me, Bellamy. A freaking spear wound just materializes at my side. I thought the Grounders had attacked you, I thought you were, you were dead. I thought you were going to die before we even had a real conversation.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, his heart jumping into his throat. “I should have, we should have, I should have come and talked to you. I just, I thought you hated me.”

“I thought you hated me,” Murphy echoes. 

“I don’t,” he says, the words blurting out even quicker than when he had this conversation with Emori. “I couldn’t hate you if I tried.”

Murphy shrugs. “You’ve tried to kill me like three times over, Blake.”

He bites his lip. It’s a fair point. “I’ve never claimed to make good decisions.”

“You think,” Murphy says, raising his eyebrows and gesturing to Bellamy’s side. He shrugs, trying to say sorry with his face again. “If you never hated me, why didn’t you ever come and talk to me?” 

“I,” he starts but trails off immediately. He sighs and looks around the hospital room, trying to think of a way to explain it. “You and uh, you and Emori look like you’re having a good time, I guess. You seem happy. I didn’t want to fuck that up, it’s all I seem to be good at these days.”

Murphy snorts and gives him a flat look. He looks really good these days. “You realize you’re the only reason some of the people in this place are still alive, right?”

“I’m also the reason some of their family members and friends are dead,” he points out and Murphy just rolls his eyes.

“At this point, there’s no one who doesn’t have blood on their hands, Bellamy. You need to stop punishing yourself,” he tells him, crossing his arms. Bellamy swallows. “And anyway, you’re definitely not going to fuck anything with me and Emori up. That would be like me fucking something with you and Octavia up.”

He practically does a double-take at the words, barely able to process the words. Murphy snorts, pushing up to his feet. “Don’t break your brain trying to understand that. Raven and Clarke would kill me if I cause you an aneurysm before they can yell at you for _accidentally getting speared_.”

 

 _XLIV_  
Jackson refuses to discharge Bellamy right away, telling him with a stern look that he’s staying in the med bay for at least a few more days. 

For the first day, Raven and Clarke take turns in sitting at his bedside and yelling at him for accidentally getting speared. Murphy doesn’t come and talk to him again, but he lets the two girls distract him, trying not to think about it.

Raven switches it up occasionally by bursting into laughter at the fact that he got accidentally speared and Clarke spends the last two minutes her Mom lets her stay in the med bay telling him that he sucks for making them miss their weekly Shitty-Soulmate-Situation meeting because she had acquired so much moonshine for it. 

“You don’t have chocolate cake though, do you?” he asks with what he knows is an infuriating smirk on his face. He’s sure Clarke would slap him if he wasn’t recovering from a spear wound. She might still anyway.

“Oh go float yourself, Blake,” she says instead, crossing her arms and pouting. “You don’t even know what chocolate cake tastes like.”

“Clarke,” Abby warns before he can retort, tapping the watch on her wrist and looking pointedly at the exit.

She huffs. “You better not die before I see you again.”

“I’ll try my best,” he tells her and she smiles at him genuinely. He expects her to make another sarcastic remark, but instead, she just wishes him a good night and leaves the med bay. 

“You should get some rest, Bellamy,” Abby says once the door has closed after Clarke. He nods, knowing not to argue with Griffin women. 

 

 _XLV_  
He wakes up to Murphy asking, “How are you feeling?”

“Uh,” he says, very eloquently. Murphy snorts. “Hungry?”

Murphy nods. “You’ll have to settle for rabbit stew. I’ll get Kestrel to grab you a bowl when she comes back from her break.”

“Okay,” he says, trying not to stare at Murphy. It’s really hard though because he just looks really pretty, especially now he’s 90% sure that he’s not dating Emori so he doesn’t feel guilty for it. Even with his hair sticking up all over the place and dark circles under his eyes, he looks stunning. 

“Jackson wants to change your bandages when his shift starts,” Murphy informs him and his eyes tell him that he knows exactly what Bellamy was thinking. He can’t help the blush that spread across his cheeks. “Kane came by, he wants your statement on ‘the incident’. I told him to fuck off, but I’m pretty sure he’ll come by later to ask again.”

“Thanks,” he says quietly, pushing himself up to a seated position, surprised when Murphy doesn’t tell him not to. “What more does he want to know? Gus tried to show off his spear-techniques for the second time and forgot not to let go for the second time and impaled me with it. It’s really not that complicated.”

Murphy lets out a quiet laugh. “You know, every time I caused some injury to appear on your body, it was never for anything as ridiculous as accidentally getting speared by a member of your own hunting party. I feel like I deserve some kind of compensation for it.”

“I don’t know, that gigantic bite mark you got when you went off with Jaha was pretty ridiculous,” he points out and shrugs. Murphy rolls his eyes, but smiles. “What was that, by the way? I think you gave me an aneurism when it happened.”

“Some kind of sea monster,” Murphy tells him with a straight face.

Bellamy stares. “You’re joking, right? Sea monster? A _sea monster_? Where the fuck are there sea monsters? What the fuck even _is_ a sea monster?”

“Near the city of light,” Murphy tells him, a wry grin on his face. “Just before the lighthouse bunker Jaha locked me in for three months after leaving me to bleed out on the beach.”

“You know, I thought being hung upside down and harvested for my blood was the craziest thing that could happen, but somehow you beat that because of fucking sea monsters. I think that’s worse than the carnivorous gorilla Clarke fought.”

“Clarke fought a carnivorous gorilla?” Murphy asks, his eyebrows practically blasting off of his head by how high up they go. “I clearly missed a lot on Jaha’s wild drone chase.”

“There was a whole lot of Grounder politics and then just a lot of fighting, honestly,” he says and shrugs. “There was some evading with the people in Mount Weather and a whole lot of dumb luck, but really, the highlights were Clarke fighting a gorilla and me being harvested for blood. Jasper’s girlfriend melted in his arms, that was pretty horrifying.”

“And I thought Jaha throwing Craig overboard so he could escape the sea monster was bad,” Murphy drawls, sarcasm dripping from his voice. He shouldn’t laugh at it, but he does. “Half of our group got blown up as well. That was… an experience.”

“I can imagine,” he says, surprised at how much he’s enjoying a conversation about this. “I blew up a couple of guards in Mount Weather, I’m not sure how I didn’t die at that point, to be honest.”

“I’m glad you didn’t die, for what it’s worth,” Murphy says in a quiet voice.

He swallows. “I’m glad the sea monster didn’t kill you either.”

“Are you kidding me? If my own soulmate can’t kill me, a sea monster won’t be able to either,” Murphy says, grinning at him. It’s a sentence that probably shouldn’t elicit a laugh but he laughs nonetheless.

“I’m sorry about that by the way, I really shouldn’t have done that.”

“Don’t worry, we’ve already established that you make terrible decisions. You probably make worse decisions than I do and I followed Thelonius fucking Jaha into the desert on some crazy quest to find a mythical city that turned out to be the home of a crazy AI that nearly destroyed the world for a second time.”

“Yeah, why did you do that again?” he asks, snorting. 

Murphy shrugs. “Didn’t have anything better to do, I guess.”

“Well,” he says, having absolutely no idea what to say. “I’m glad you survived even if you got tortured again right after. Seriously, why do you get tortured so much?”

“People think I’m useful, I guess,” Murphy says and shrugs. “I don’t even remember what the guy wanted. He was batshit crazy, hated Clarke, killed Lexa, and then slit his own throat.” 

“Sounds like a stand-up guy,” he says in lieu of anything useful. 

“Tell me about it,” Murphy smirks, crossing his arms. “I think even you’ve got miles on him and you’ve tried to kill me several times. Then again, Emori held me at knifepoint and we dated for a couple of weeks so maybe that’s just me.”

“Yeah, I think that’s just you,” he says, letting out an almost shocked laugh. “It’s no worse than me, last girlfriend I had got blown up and I think everyone I slept with when we first landed on Earth is dead now.”

Murphy snorts. “And yet you can’t kill me.”

“Apparently not,” he says and nods. 

“See, the sea monsters got nothing on me.”

 

 _XLVI_  
“Did you know what Murphy and Emori aren’t dating?” is how he greets Raven the next time he sees her. Abby sent Murphy for a break half an hour ago and he hasn’t come back yet. 

Somehow, he already misses him.

“Murphy and Emori aren’t dating?” Raven asks, plonking down into the chair next to him. “When did that happen?”

He shrugs. “No idea, but I think I just spent the morning flirting with him.”

“Now _that_ ,” Raven starts, placing her hands on the edge of his bed. “Is something I want to see. Think we can have our weekly meeting in here and invite Murphy to come along?”

“Yeah, Raven, lets invite my _soulmate_ to our weekly _Shitty-Soulmate-Situation_ meeting which is literally just us getting drunk and complaining about our lives for a couple of hours until we all pass out in Clarke’s room because it’s like the twice the size of any other room in Arkadia for some fucking reason.”

“Perks of being the chancellor’s daughter,” Raven says and shrugs. “She is the chancellor’s daughter, right? I’m pretty sure Abby’s still the chancellor.”

“You think I have any fucking clue who the chancellor is,” he says and snorts. “I have literally no idea what I’m doing at any time, I’m making everything up as I go along.”

“Aren’t we all?” she asks, leaning forward and placing her chin and arms on the bed. “I’m pretending I have a single clue how irrigation works whilst leading a team who are creating irrigation systems for an entire camp full of people. I think I’d rather work on Monty’s solar-powered vacuum cleaner.”

He lets out a small laugh. “How is that coming along, by the way? He hasn’t brought it up in a while.”

“It’s a complete disaster, I think Monty cried over it the other day,” Raven tells him, a grin lighting up on her face. “Harper’s like one breakdown off storming into Kane’s office and demanding he put Monty on farm duty again.”

“I’d kill to see that,” he says and laughs. 

“Don’t say that, someone might ask you to kill three-hundred people again,” Raven says, smirking at him.

“Oh, go float yourself, Reyes,” he bites out, but he’s laughing.

“Nah, irrigation is slightly more interesting than dying painfully in space,” she says, letting out a laugh herself. “Plus getting up there would be a lot of effort.”

“You’d manage it,” he tells her, letting a smile grown on his face. “You’d probably be the one to save us all if there was a second nuclear apocalypse.”

“Damn right I would,” she says, grinning from ear to ear. She props herself up to her elbows, resting her chin on her hands. “Hey, you remember that promise you made to me before all the shit went down? Keep that, will you.”

He smiles, properly now. “I intend to.”

 

 _XLVII_  
He’s in the med bay for another five days before Jackson finally lets him go, insisting he go back on guard duty instead of hunting. He doesn’t protest, he’d rather not get impaled again. Even if it was accidental.

It’s not that bad, Clarke and Raven eventually have to go back to what they’re supposed to be doing so they can’t visit every day, but Monty and Miller drop in occasionally. Murphy’s pretty much always there too.

They talk, more than they’ve ever talked. It’s a little stilted at first, as they figure out what they can talk about and what’s off-limits, but every time they speak, a warm feeling spreads in his chest. He learns what Murphy’s been up to since they last talked properly which was really back when Wells was alive, and he tells Murphy about everything that’s happened with him. They recount childhood stories occasionally, but it’s difficult for both of them, really.

Still, it’s nice. It feels like a second chance, or maybe a twelfth chance, but it’s a chance nonetheless.

 

 _XLVIII_  
Maybe, just maybe, he can have good things. He’s not meant for the dirt, he can have a life of his own. He can be more than an empty shell walking around camp in a haze.

He’s done bad things, but he’s done good things too and maybe they balance out. They’ve all done bad things and that doesn’t mean he can’t have good things. Who he is and who he wants to be might be closer than he thought they were.

 

 _XLIX_  
Jackson insists that Murphy escorts Bellamy to his room when he’s finally discharged. Neither of them protests. He doesn’t even protest when Murphy puts an arm around him to help him walk. There’s no need, but he’s not complaining.

“So,” Murphy says once they finally get to his room. “Am I supposed to call you Commander Blake now that you’re a guard again?”

He lets out a small laugh and sits on the bed, attempting to pat the space next to him subtly. “I’d much rather you just call me Bellamy. I’m pretty sure there are no commanders anymore.”

“Just start calling yourself it then, bring the name back,” Murphy suggests and to Bellamy’s surprise, he sits next to Bellamy, close enough that their shoulders are touching. “You’re not subtle, by the way.”

“I’ve never claimed to be,” he murmurs, wanting to lean against the wall, but not wanting to lose the contact between them. “And anyway, being a guard mostly involves breaking up fights between kids and telling adults to stop fucking in the woods when they have no idea which plants are poisonous, and which aren’t. It's not really a job deserving of that title.”

“Sounds delightful,” Murphy says and laughs. Bellamy hears him take a deep breath and his voice drops to a much quieter volume when he speaks again, “Is it bad that I want you to break up more fights so I have an excuse to see you during the day?”

His breath catches and he has to force himself not to squeal like a preteen girl. Still, he can’t stop the smile that grows on his face. “I mean, as long as you’re fine with being covered in random bruises, I don’t see any problems with it.”

“I’ve been covered in bruises for most of my life, at least these will have meaning,” he murmurs, resting his head on Bellamy’s shoulder. He was not expecting that to happen.

“Plus, I’ll be the one it actually hurts this time,” he adds. After a few moments of deliberation, he wraps his arm around Murphy’s shoulders.

“Are you kidding me? It hurt like a bitch when you got accidentally got impaled by a spear which is still completely ridiculous, by the way.”

“How do you think I felt when you got bit by a sea monster? I’m pretty sure I collapsed for a moment there.”

“I’m pretty sure I did too,” Murphy murmurs, his breath tickling Bellamy’s neck. “By the way, you’re not allowed to go hunting ever again. You gave me a heart attack and you’re never doing that again.”

“Yeah?” he asks, feeling his smile grow impossibly wider.

“Yeah,” Murphy confirms, shuffling back on the bed. He follows dumbly until their backs hit the wall. He lets Murphy rearrange them until they’re snuggled up, their legs tangled together. “If you could just never get hurt ever again, that’d be great.”

He laughs. “I’ll try. As long as you do the same.”

Murphy hums. “Well, there’s no one who actively wants to torture me right now, no sea monsters near Arkadia, and my Moms dead so yeah, I think I can do that.”

He blinks, slowly processing the words. He tries to control his face the best he can. “Sounds like a deal, then.”

“You’re not gonna ask me about that?” Murphy questions, his voice quiet again.

“Not unless you want to tell me,” he says softly.

It’s silent for a few moments before Murphy nods. “I want to tell you.”

“Okay then,” he murmurs, reaching out to take Murphy’s hand in advance. He knows the other boy has gone through a lot in his short life and he knows this can’t be easy. 

“I,” Murphy starts but stops. He lets out a small laugh before he takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if anyone’s told you about what happened, Pike announced it to our Earth Skills class so I know a lot of people know, but I have no idea who told who, you know. But uh yeah, when I was, when I was seven, I got the flu and I didn’t get better by the time we’d used our rations. My parents were, they were allowed to take me back to our compartment so I could, so I could die at home. But my Dad, he said he wasn’t going to let that happen so he, he stole medicine. It wouldn’t have helped anyway, but he got caught and you know, he got floated and uh, my Mom, she… it wasn’t easy for her. She found solace in alcohol and she uh, she blamed me for it. It was my fault, I killed my Dad, she'd tell me that every day. And it wasn’t long after that she’d uh… she’d take it out on me, hit me, throw stuff at me, slap me around a little. No one asked and I never told anyone. She died when I was fifteen, choked on her own vomit and I, I was angry and I set fire to the compartment of the guard who arrested my Dad. And the rest is history, I guess.”

He doesn’t say anything for a while, just pulls Murphy into a hug, letting him bury his face in Bellamy’s chest. He doesn’t say anything when Murphy lets out a quiet sob, just hugs him tighter. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs into Murphy’s hair. “You didn’t deserve that.”

Murphy pulls away a little so he’s facing Bellamy. “You didn’t deserve to spend your life hiding your sister either.”

He nods, letting his hands find purchase around Murphy’s waist. He’s not sure what to say in response to it, he just looks at Murphy, feeling like they’re the only two people left in the world. 

It’s Murphy who breaks the silence, speaking in a soft voice, “Is it okay if I really want to kiss you right now?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’d really like that,” he murmurs, stumbling over his words. Murphy nods, leaning forward to press their lips together. It’s a hesitant kiss on both sides, but it’s everything Bellamy has wanted for so long. Murphy’s hands wrap around his neck and Bellamy pulls him closer, not breaking the kiss. 

“I don’t know how much further I can go,” Murphy murmurs when they pull away, their foreheads still touching. 

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Murphy repeats, sounding breathless. “There’s just, there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me and there’s a lot of, there’s a lot of things that happened and I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it yet.”

“Okay,” he says again, his voice soft. “I’d like to be able to know those things, if you’ll let me. I’m okay with waiting, even if you never tell me.”

Murphy blinks, a small smile breaking out on his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says, a smile growing on his face to match Murphy’s.

And he thinks in that moment, things might just be okay. 

 

_L_  
_Our universe grants every soul a twin, a reflection of themselves, the kindred spirit, and no matter where they are or how far away they are from each other, even if they are in different dimensions, they will always find each other. This is destiny; this is love._  
_Julie Dillon_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3
> 
> i was aiming at 1000 words so enjoy this 13000 word fic i spent way too long on
> 
>  
> 
> come scream with me on [tumblr](https://cosmo-k-i-d.tumblr.com/%22)  
> 


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